Joey Kramer had been practicing a new song for an hour. He sighed. It was time to stop, and take a break. If he didn't get at least an *hour's* sleep Steven would be riding his ass for lousy playing. Lord knew that man could NEVER be pleased.

    Joey put his drumsticks up and affectionately patted a cymbal. He headed out of the music room and towards his spacious kitchen to get something to drink.

    Something in the background rustled. Joey paused and shrugged. He went to the refrigerator to get a Coke. Opening the door he noticed something funny. All his Cokes were gone! What the fuck?

    "All right this isn't funny!" He growled. "I bet Tom hid them or something as a joke." Joey mumbled.

    Again, he heard the rustling noise. A red flashlight beam hit him in the eye. "Ackk!" Joey cried out, raising his hand to shield his eye. "Who's there?"

    "Who's there?" A voice echoed. A very familiar sounding voice at that, too. "Who do you think?" Mick Jagger stepped out of the shadows, hopping up and down on both feet. "It is I Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones! Me, Mick Jagger! Yes it is I---"

    "Geez man I heard you the first time!" Joey interrupted. "What the fuck are you doing in my kitchen?" He demanded. "And did you take my Cokes?"

    Mick laughed a typical 'evil' laugh. "Muuuuaaaa!" He chortled. "No. I drink Pepsi. Me, Mick Jagger, drinks Pepsi. Mick Jagger of the Rolling---"

    "Yeah, yeah I get it!" Exclaimed Joey. "I know who you are man! What are you doing here?"

    Mick smiled. "At last." He folded his hands under his chin and looked at Joey. "I have a plan. Ever since that Steven Tyler popped up no one CARES about me, Mick Jagger anymore," pouted Mick.

    "That's not true Mick." Joey said. "Lots--"

    "Shut up!" snarled Mick. "I Mick Jagger am speaking. I have not spoken to you! When I speak to you you will know when I speak to you, but until then, I haven not spoke to you!"

    Joey raised an eyebrow shaking his head. "Man. I hope Steve never gets an echo going when he's that old." He mumbled.

    "Like I was saying before I was interrupted I was saying, that no one cares about ME Mick of the Rolling Stones. It's all YOUR fault." He pointed at Joey.

    "My fault?" Joey asked incredulously. "How so?"

    "You're a part of that dumb band, Aerosmith. Well, Aerosmith won't do so hot without you, will they?"

    Joey smiled. "I'm flattered." He said.

    "No you idiot!" With that, Mick raised a huge frying pan and slammed it on Joey's head. Joey crumpled to the ground. "There. It is done, what I Mick Jagger set out to accomplish. What I Mick Jagger, lead singer of The Rolling Stones compleated! Muuuuaaaaa! Now the world will have no choice! They must listen to me, Mick Jagger!"
    Mick dragged Joey away, cleaning up the scene of the crime.

***     Steven Tyler paced in his studio. "Where the fuck is Joey?" Steven asked for the hundredth time. "He's NEVER late. Damn! We need to go over this shit and without him we can't!"

    "Calm down Steve." Joe Perry said as he was playing a few notes on his guitar.

    Tom and Brad arrived. "Still no show on Joey?" Brad asked picking up his guitar.

    Steven looked irritated. "No fucking word." He grumbled. "He'd better get his ass here if he knows what's good for him."

    There was a knock on the door. Steven's personal secretary, Elizabeth, peeked in. "Uh I hate to interupt." She began.

    "Interrupt what?" Steven asked cynically.

    Elizabeth raised an eyebrow. "Steve, this came for you this morning. Your wife asked me to give it to you. She said it's from the Geffen Studios."

    Steven raised an eyebrow. Why would Geffen send them anything? He wondered but took the manila envelope from Elizabeth. "Thanks Libby Beth," he said.

    Elizabeth smiled. "Sure thing boss." She said and winked. She left.

    Steven sat it down, not even bothering to open it. "Let's practice without Joey."

    "Maybe he went to shit and the hogs ate him." Tom suggested idly.

    Joe and Brad rolled their eyes. It had been Tom's lame joke week for some reason.

     Tom looked at the envelope. He grabbed it and opened it. "Hey David didn't send this to us." Tom said. "It's--a letter, in cut and paste letters...dammit!" he exclaimed.

    "What?" Everyone asked.

    "The assholes spelled our name wrong---Arrowsmith. I hate that!"

    "What the fuck does it say Tom?" Steven asked.

    "Dear ARROWsmith." Read Tom. "We have your drummer. You will not get him back, unless you oblige by my rules."

     "Who the fuck sent this," Brad asked, "Mojo Jojo?"

    Steven stared at him. "Who?" He asked.

    "Oh, it's a cartoon villain off the 'Powerpuff Girls'. My kids watch it," he explained, flushing.

    "Yeeeaah," Steven said slowly.

    Joe however, had been quiet; thinking over Joey's sudden disappearance. It didn't seem right to him. In fact, he could almost guess who could have done it.

    "Instructions to follow." Tom finished.

    "Shit!" hollered Steven. He flung his mike down. "Now what the fuck are we gonna do? We have a show to do in town next Tuesday. We can't get a new drummer!"

    "It doesn't make sense," Joe spoke up. "We need to think. Who hates Aerosmith enough to kidnap Joey?"

    Brad, Tom and Steven snorted, then in unison replied, "A lotta women?"

    Joe rolled his eyes. "Be serious," he said to his friends. "We have to THINK here, boys. We want Joey back right?" There was silence. "Right?!" Joe asked again. This time there were nods. "Great," Joe smiled. "Meet at the Boneyard tonight. No wives, just us guys. I have an idea."

****

    Later, the guys met at the Boneyard, which was Joe's place. "Okay so what did you wanna bring us out here for?" Tom asked, perching on a leather couch.

    "Mick Jagger kidnapped Joey." Joe said, matter-of-factly.

    "What?" Steven asked. "How...why?"

    "Think about it Steve. He's gotten like NO coverage for the longest time has he?"

    Steven shrugged. "Not my fault," he protested.

    "Nooo, but can Mick make eight year olds hot and bothered for him?"

    Steven had to smile. "Okay I see your point. But why would Mick kidnap Joey? Why not me?"

    Joe shrugged. "That's where a well-laid plan would benefit," he said.

    Tom snorted a laugh. "Hey that was good, man."

    "Now," Joe said. "I don't know WHY Mick kidnapped Joey instead of Steven--that's his own fault. Right about now, Joey will be driving Mick nuts singing Johnny Cash songs."

    The other guys laughed, imagining the scene.

    "So what do we do, Joe?" Brad asked.

    Joe smiled. "Glad you asked. I say we dress up like the Stones and pretend to be them--all except Steve--no offense man."

    Steven shrugged. "None taken," he replied. "I look too much like Mick don't I?"

    Brad nodded. "Okay, so we masquerade as the Stones?"

    "No shit, Sherlock," Joe replied. They looked at him. "Only thing is---" He pulled off his face! Underneath, Keith Richards grinned at them.

    "What the FUCK?" Steven replied, shocked.

    "Oh god!" Tom exclaimed. "This is my dream! If a chick named 'Cupcake' comes looking for me, I'm going to scream!"

    "You have some fucked up dreams," Steven told Tom. "I dream about naked women."

    "You know why Mick didn't think of kidnapping you Steven?" Keith asked. "Because I wanted to!"

    "All we need now is Wayne and Garth," Tom muttered. "It's a regular MTV party. Battle of the Bands!"

    Despite himself, Brad laughed. "Tom man, that's the first funny thing you've said all fucking week!"

    Tom looked pleased. "Really?" He asked. He didn't have time to think, however, when he felt something heavy slam on his head. Tom crumpled to the ground.

    "Tom!" Brad yelled but he too, was knocked out.

    "Hey! You're messin' with my band!" Steven exclaimed.

    "Oh shut up," Keith replied and whacked Steven hard. Steven fell onto Tom and Brad.

    Out of the darkness, Slash, from Guns n Roses stepped out. "Now what do we do boss?" he asked.

    "Take them to the van dumbass!" Keith yelled.
    "Geez," Slash muttered. "I guess that's what no publicity does to ya!"

****

    Meanwhile, the real Joe Perry was on vacation. He had been trying to get ahold of Steven but there was no answre at the Briar Patch, Steven's place. Joe frowned. It had been two weeks since he had had any contact with his friends. Something was definately wrong. "Joe!" Joe looked to see his wife run towards him She held an envelope. "It's from Geffen." She said breathlessly.
    "Geffen?" Joe repeated puzzled. He took the envelope. Why would Geffen send him anything? Their contract had finally---thankfully---run out. Joe opened the letter and read a stunned look coming onto his face. The letter had magazine cut out words. All of his friends had been kidnapped! "We gotta get home!" Joe told his wife and without waiting for her to reply he began to pack all his belongings together.     "Joe wait--what's wrong?" Billie asked.
    Joe shook his head. "Can't explain...the guys need me!"

    They borded a private jet and in no time where back in Boston. Once Joe got home, he immediately called Steven's house. No one had seen Steven, Tom, Brad or Joey. Joe got in his car and drove towards the place he figured Mick would be.

    Joe stopped once he got to Mama Kin. It was quiet. Usually the place was packed but now it was just...dead. That was weird. He walked in surprised. It looked like it had been closed down. Why? Then he heard a voice. Sounded like...Slash?
    "I'm tired of doing all your friggin' work." Slash was complaining as he was dragging the still body of Brad into the room.

     Joe hid in the shadows. He didn't want Slash to see him. Mick Jagger strutted behind Slash, looking happy.
    "At last, I Mick Jagger win!" Mick declared. Joe rolled his eyes. Lately Mick had developed a strange thing where he had to repeat every word he said.It could get on a person's nerves.      Joe watched them drag his band inside.They were set up in the kitchen of Mama Kin. All of the guys looked as though they'd been knocked out. Steven had a split lip and the begining of a black eye. Joe knew that would not make Steven happy. Hell hath no fury like a rock star scorned He thought and bit down hard on his tounge to keep from laughing.

    Mick was hopping Around. "Tonight when we have our show,"He began,eyes glazed. "We will let the world know how important I, Mick Jagger am. Me, Mick Jagger--"     "Allright!" Slash exclaimed."Geez Mick we know!"
    Mick eyed him. "Shut up," He retorted. "Tonight I will be doing 'Dream on' instead of Steven Tyler."
    'Not if I can help it,' thought Joe.

****     Later, a big crowd had gathered for the Slash and Mick Jagger concert. People lined up and Slash smiled. "Hey Mick this might work!" he exclaimed, tuning his guitar.
    "Of course it will. Did you ever doubt me?" Mick snarled.
    Slash shrugged.

    The two muscisians got out and ready to play. By this time, Aerosmith was awake and not happy campers. Joe crept through the back.
    He was greeted with Steven's reply, "Where the fuck have you been?"
    Joe rolled his eyes and untied Steven. "I've got a plan," he said as Steven helped him untie the others. "We're gonna tie up Mick's opening band-NSync! Can you belive it?"
    Steven laughed. "I can. Just 'cause we did the Superbowl with them doesn't mean it'll work with Kiss and NSync. Can you imagine that?" Steven asked.

    Joe couldn't. He and Steven, along with the others crept into NSync's dressing room.They surprised the boys and tied them up. Then they went into Mick's dressing room and dumped the band inside. Aerosmith took the stage just as the lights dimmed.     Slash heard some familliar tunes being strummed.
"I thought you hired N Sync, Mick."
    "I did," Mick replied."Pretty clever huh?"
    Slash rolled his eyes. "Uh huh, whatever."
    Suddenly, 'Back in the Saddle' burst out. Mick's mouth dropped open. He and Slash ran for the side of the stage.

    Steven was singing 'Back in the Saddle' as though his life depended on it. The crowd was loving it.
    "Hey what's the big idea?" Slash demanded.
    Mick could only stare."Damn damn double damn!" he exclaimed, jumping around and throwing a fit. Not watching where he was going, Mick tripped over a wire, bringing a heavy amplifer down...

    Someone in the audiance screamed. The guitars whined higly causing Joe and Tom to wince.
    "Ahh!" screamed Mick before he blacked out.

Two weeks later...

    Mick is in the hospital with a broken leg and arm. He is stewing over this and plans to get Aerosmith back--one way or another!

    Slash made an attempt to reconcile with Axl Rose. The result? Celebrity Death Match.

    NSync are still in the stadium,tied up and wearing on each other's nerves. Without the boy bands, girls turned to the REAL boy bands and rock is more popular than ever!

    Joey found out he drank all of his Cokes after finding them in the basement. He now locks his doors before going to bed.